


Royal Passions Vol. 1 - Recommended Reading

by Ffordesoon



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Comedy, Edeleth, F/F, Fluff and Smut, Heart, Humor, No Angst, abrupt chapter endings, an Edelgard porn parody character with a penis and a vagina, characters reading porn about themselves, metasmut, the barest pretense of conflict, unbeta’d
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 09:40:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23849080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ffordesoon/pseuds/Ffordesoon
Summary: Byleth and Edelgard read ghastly smut about themselves.
Relationships: Edelgard von Hresvelg/My Unit | Byleth, Ferdinand von Aegir/Hubert von Vestra
Comments: 3
Kudos: 60





	1. All Work & No Play

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there!
> 
> This is a barely tweaked and unbeta’d copy-paste of a silly little metasmut thing I ginned up to entertain friends on Discord. It does not represent the height of my talents by any means, but I’ve had a good bit of fun writing it and my friends have loved it.
> 
> Note that each “chapter” is not the length of a standard AO3 fic chapter - the total combined length of them is equivalent to a fairly short one-shot. I’m posting them this way because each part was written and posted at a separate time. In addition, some sort of come to an abrupt stop more than end, because I literally just stopped writing for the night when I ran out of steam.
> 
> Why not clean it up before posting? Because it’s technically passable already, because I want y’all to experience pretty much the way my friends did, and because I want to post a goddam fic without worrying about cleaning it up for once.
> 
> Thanks to the inestimable shinjishazaki and jpegfrost for letting me drop refs to their work in here!
> 
> Hope you enjoy! Kudos is fine, but reviews are encouraged, especially if you liked the thing!

Emperor Edelgard von Hresvelg is hunched down at the desk near the bed she shares with her Empress, hard at work scanning a dull ledger of mineral deposits in Fódlan’s Fangs. She can’t pretend to care, let alone focus on the wretched thing, but she promised Hubert she would take on his responsibilities while he and Ferdinand honeymooned in Brigid, and the affairs of state wait for no one.

That she’s doing this in her bedroom isn’t helping matters; the bed is always there in her peripheral vision, tempting her to rest but a moment. She’s still not quite sure how Byleth managed to convince her this was a good idea...

“Hey, El! I’m back from the market!”

As if on cue, the erstwhile Empress walks into the room hefting a tall stack of mostly hardbound books, with softcover periodicals and pamphlets poking out of some of their pages.

Edelgard runs her free hand through her hair. “Good evening, Prof— Byleth.” She nibbles at her lower lip, silently annoyed at herself for the slip-up.

Byleth throws the whole pile on Edelgard’s side of the bed, kicks off her shoes, and hops into bed herself. “It’s okay to call me Professor, you know. I don’t mind.”

Edelgard frowns. “My apologies, beloved, but I’m rather absorbed in this document at the moment.”

Byleth folds her arms behind her head. “Uh huh.” The tone is doubtful, and not a little playful.

Edelgard glances up at her wife, brow furrowed. “You don’t believe me?”

Byleth laughs. “Nope.”

Edelgard grunts, annoyed. “And why not?”

“You have that sour look on your face, the one you only get when you’re trying to play the dutiful emperor even though you don’t want to.”

Edelgard sighs and kneads her forehead. “...I don’t know how Hubert does it, I really don’t. This sentence has eleven clauses, and all of them are _boring_!”


	2. Temptation

Byleth grins.

“What?” asks Edelgard. Her eyes flit to the books, and back to Byleth’s face. “Oh, no.”

“What’s wrong?” says Byleth, the very picture of innocence.

“This... thing I’m attempting to read is actually _important_ , Byleth.” She stares at the ink on the paper again, as if willing it into readability. “I admit I’m... uncertain as to exactly _how_ it is important, but I mustn’t be distracted.”

Byleth shrugs. “Suit yourself.” She grabs her reading glasses off the end table and puts them on, reaches for a volume bound in red leather, and opens it up. “I’ll read while you work.”

Edelgard sighs. She forms an apology in her mind, but doesn’t say it - she can’t tell whether Byleth is offended, and why should she be? Edelgard is only doing the responsible thing - Byleth knows that. “Thank you,” she says instead. After a moment, she adds, “I will take a break soon.”

Byleth glances up from her book, smiling. “No need to rush.”

Edelgard feels an involuntary stirring in her loins. She has what Caspar would call “a thing” for Byleth in glasses. For Byleth in anything, really. Or _out_ of any— _no_ , none of that, not right now. She must focus. Even if that focus does seem somewhat wasted on a catalog of rock formations with “notable concentrations of labradorescence (c.f. Varley 953).” She is around seventy-five percent sure “labradorescence” is a real word and not something Linhardt put here just to annoy Hubert...

Byleth abruptly bursts out laughing, and stops just as abruptly. The sound of her wife enjoying herself plucks at her heartstrings.

Edelgard emits something between a sigh and a groan. “Fine. What are you reading?”

“Oh,” says Byleth. “Porn.”


	3. What's In The Book

Edelgard’s eyes nearly pop out of her skull. “P-porn _ography_?”

Byleth giggles. “Yeah!”

Edelgard sits there, her whole face reddening. She is aware of erotica, but has never seen the appeal, even as Byleth has revealed to her the roaring enormity of her sexual appetite. “And... this pornography... you, you’re enjoying it?”

Byleth nods to the book in her hands. “Only one I’ve looked at so far. I guess I _am_ enjoying it, but not in the, uh, intended way.” She flashes a toothy grin. “It’s about us.”

Edelgard stares. Her eyelid twitches. “...Come again?”

Byleth flips back to the title page, clears her throat, and reads. “‘Royal Passions, a diverting chapbook of sensual plates and erotic fancies which travel to those realms where certain well-regarded works styled in the common parlance as ‘Emperor novels’ daren’t tread, by Digger von Klamm.’”

Edelgard briefly considers self-defenestration, but settles for placing her hand on her forehead. “I am... suddenly rather sympathetic to Rhea’s censorship of heretical texts.” After a moment, she adds, “Also, her policy of summary execution.”

“It’s really awful,” says Byleth, her toothy grin returning. “Wanna hear some?”


	4. The Performance Begins

Edelgard looks back to the catalog of miserable minerals, frowns, turns back to Byleth, and sighs through her nose. “Well, _do_ I?”

“It’s _very_ funny,” says Byleth, her eyes taking on a slight pleading cast. The damn glasses enhance the effect. “You’ll laugh.”

Edelgard doubts that. Byleth so clearly wants to make her smile, however, that she’d feel guilty resisting. “...Fine, go on.”

Byleth’s toothy grin returns. “Okay!” says Byleth, almost singing the word.

Even this small show of happiness makes Edelgard’s heartbeat quicken. She marvels once again at the sheer power her empress’ every gesture has over her, and at how happy that idea makes her.

Byleth finds the passage that made her cackle:

> _Oh dear_ , thought the unclothed Emperor, _all of my garments of_

“Wait, wait, wait,” says Edelgard. “ _That’s_ your voice for me? That breathy, high-pitched, vacuous—”

Byleth shakes her head. “Of course not! It’s my impression of Emperor Edelhard.”

Edelgard blinks, and a blush creeps up her face. “Emperor... Edel...hard...?”

“Yeah, the character in the story,” says Byleth. “It’s a joke version of your—”

“Oh, I gathered _that_ ,” says Edelgard, massaging her temples. “But why Edel _hard_?”

“You, uh, you have a, uh, how do I put this...” Byleth strokes her chin for a moment. “You have some... extra equipment in this story?”

A vein pops out on Edelgard’s forehead. “Extra... equipment...? Surely you can’t mean I have a...”

Byleth blushes and looks away. “It’s... a pretty popular fetish... Comes from Dagda...”

Edelgard squints at her. “I see.”

“Sorry, I should have mentioned it.”

Edelgard drags a hand down one side of her face, then starts chuckling. “Well, go on,” she says, shaking her head. “I confess my morbid curiosity is piqued.”

Byleth looks up at her, smiles, and continues...


	5. Edelhard's Amorous Adventures

> _Oh dear_ , thought the unclothed Emperor, _all of my garments of office - indeed, all of my clothes - have mysteriously vanished! They’ll all behold my secret shame!_ Her “little Emperor” stirred at the scandalous thought, and she blushed. _Foolish, nasty creature_ , she silently admonished, staring down at the traitorous nine-inch tumescence with which the goddess had so cruelly cursed her.

“ _Nine inches_!?” Edelgard shouts, loud enough that it reverberates through the room. She claps her hand over her mouth, stifling a laugh.

\--

In the room directly below them, Mary Teufel takes a sip of her black coffee and swallows with a sigh. “That time again, is it.” She hears her charges burst out in laughter a moment later. She sets the coffee down and unfolds her newspaper, smiling and shaking her head. “Crazy kids.”

\--

“Heh. It’s not _that_ weird, El,” says Byleth, wiping a tear from her eye. “In fact, it’s pretty conservative. Most girlcocks in this type of story are inhumanly huge.” Byleth appears to realize what she’s just admitted to, and blushes. “I mean,” she adds with a gentle clearing of the throat, “so I’ve heard.”

Edelgard makes a mental note of her wife’s obvious interest in the topic at hand. She’ll prod at that sensitive spot later - the glasses stratagem requires a reprisal, and seeing her unflappable teacher flustered feels surprisingly pleasant. “Of course, my love,” she says, eyes half-lidded. “Please continue.”

> Edelhard brushed her delicate fingers against her scepter, shivering girlishly. “No,” she whispered. “I mustn’t...” Alas, her buxom body once more betrayed her - her hand closed around the turgid member, indecorous thoughts of her lowborn wife bending over filling her mind. She groaned, her lower lips now soaking wet... “Oh, Boneleth, that’s it! Kiss the scepter of your beloved heretic!”

“Wait,” says Edelgard, pursing her lips. After a moment, she says the name, voice quavering: “B- _Bone_ leth, heh, your name is B—“ She doubles over, giggling uncontrollably. “Boneleth!” she crows, slapping her knee. “ _Bone_ leth!”

Byleth frowns. “It’s not _that_ funny...”


	6. Edelhard Revisited

> “No,” whispered Edelhard, forcing herself to remove her delicate hand from her throbbing tumescence. “I cannot give in to bestial urges now!” With the dignity of a true ruler, Edelhard composed herself. Eyes shining with determination, she spoke a solemn vow like those she had uttered many a time before battle. ”I shall locate my clothes. I _must_ locate my clothes.” Making a fist and clasping it to her breast, she continued: “Then and only then shall I

Byleth cracks up.

“What?” Edelgard says, an anticipatory smile already beginning to form.

“Sorry, it’s just...” She snickers and covers her mouth with her hand. “This next line. Goddess, this next line.”

Edelgard stands. A tiny voice within whispers, _You are abandoning your responsibilities as Emperor—_ A much louder voice shouts _FUCK OFF!_ and throws a paperweight at the tiny voice’s forehead, vanquishing it.

Edelgard strides over to the bed, now grinning. She brushes the other books and pamphlets off her side of the bed with a single wave of her hand, and flops down beside her wife. “Show it to me,” she says, noting the slight amorous ambiguity in her phrasing and not minding it.

Byleth hands her the book and points to the line, snorting. Edelgard reads it, bursts into a peal of laughter, and hands it back to Byleth with barely-suppressed glee. “I c-command you as the Emperor of Fódlan to, hnk, to perform this line with the weight, the g- _gravitas_ , it truly deserves...!”

Byleth nods, pursing her lips as a laugh flutters in her throat. She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, opens them, and starts from the beginning of the sentence, giving the line her all:

> “Then and only then shall I till my wife’s musky fields, and cover her ample bosom in my sceptre’s milky issue!”

The Emperor and Empress of Fódlan stare at each other for a moment, and then burst into laughter that persists for quite a while, both of them nearly rolling off the bed at various points.

When they are wiping tears from their faces, Edelgard reaches for another of the books her wife brought home. She reads the title on the spine, and reaches for another, and another.

“Byleth?”

“Yes, my heart?”

“Are all of these,” she says, pointing to the book, “like that one?”

Byleth grins. “They’re all porn about us, if that’s what you mean.”

“What market sells these things?”

Byleth chuckles. “Did I say market? I suppose I did. To be honest, I caught Yohanna, er, _enjoying_ one while I was walking to the market.”

Edelgard snorts. “I should be surprised, and yet I am not.”

“She nearly died of fright, and then offered to share her collection with me if I didn’t tell Mary.” Byleth shrugs. “I was curious.”

Edelgard grins and kisses her wife on the cheek. “Does she have more?”

Byleth nods, returning her grin. “Tons.”

Edelgard’s eyes go half-lidded. “Good.” She snakes one arm around her wife’s shoulders. “I want to hear more about Emperor Edelhard.” She rests her other hand between her light’s thighs, and whispers in her ear, “I’ll ensure the moans are...” She nibbles Byleth’s earlobe. “...Accurate.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here endeth the parts I've written already. There's an epilogue with Hubert and Ferdie returning from their honeymoon that I'm going to write sometime soon. For the moment, though, I hope you had fun!

**Author's Note:**

> If you like this, keep an eye out for my upcoming fics Her Emperor and Crimson Wind, and follow @wrightsfefics on Twitter for fanfic recs, fanart RTs, Edeleth musings, and other FE fanwork tomfoolery!
> 
> Reviews are encouraged! I want to know what you think! I’ll try to reply when I can!


End file.
